I just febrezed my crotch.

I’ve had the same hair straightener since high school. Can I put that on my résumé?

Sext yourself.

My chiropractor “Super Liked” me on Tinder. I see free adjustments in my future.

Do tweekers not need to take allergy meds? Cause that’s a huge pro.

Instead of “who wore it best,” how about “they both look hot as fuck”?

Stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. It’s not going to happen.